Life is a series of adjusting to new “normals” – life with kids, life before Mama moved in, life taking care of Mama, and life without Mama and kids.
Life with kids is often a hectic, overwhelming time of trying to do your best to raise well-grounded kids. It’s a lot like going over the water fall in a leaky boat. Rarely do you take the time to realize how fast things are moving in your life while you hustle to keep the holes plugged in all the things they are involved in.
Until they are grown and move out.
But before they’re out of the home for more than a few months, mama needs me.
Mama has a stroke and needs full time care. She moves in and I spend the next few years taking care of all her needs. It feels out of control and yet poignant. I’ve often asked myself “What makes me think I am capable of taking care of the person who raised me?”
Life is filled with new problems. I’ve become the caregiver, the mother to her and her decision maker. And learning the necessities to keep her comfortable and healthy for as long as possible was a full time job in itself. I wonder if there will be enough time together, if the stability of my own psyche remains or if there is enough money to get us through this difficult time.
Then one of my adult kids returns bringing along his significant other and their beautiful children. They need a place to stay while they get back on their feet.
In the end though, even without knowing how long I had with Mama or the length of time I’d have with the adult kids living with me, the many tears and laughter and heartache, has been worth the loss of my own freedom.
And now, this new normal I am finding myself in. Life after Mama and kids. It’s a time now where I am discovering or re-discovering who I am and what brings me joy. I no longer have to “make arrangements” for someone’s care if I want to take off on a road trip for a week.
Finding myself with this new freedom is bittersweet.
I know that “normal” is different for everyone and for every stage of life. It’s a lot like the fog rising out of a canyon or valley. You’re not sure what’s at the bottom but when the fog clears the space becomes clear and easier to navigate.
The fog is beginning to rise on this new stage. I’m starting to adjust and realize that, “Hey, my kids are adults and, even though they still need me at times, this is MY TIME.” It’s a time when I’m still young enough and mostly healthy enough to pursue some of those things I never got around to or couldn’t follow with kids or live-in parents to care for.
So my take away from years of having “put myself on hold” is what?
- That I’m angry that I spent all this time doing for some one else?
- That I’m saddened and depressed that I no one needs me?
- That I should have spent more time on my own pursuits?
None of these things.
It was my choice to have kids and to spend the last years of mama’s life with her. I’m still needed not only by my husband and adult kids and by myself. YES, I need me. I may not know exactly what I want to do or how I want to spend the next phase of my life, but I do know that I need me to:
- be healthy so I can experience this stage to the fullest
- be complete and satisfied in how I spend my time and who I spend that time with
- be happy with who I am
- take time to care for myself in spirit and body
- to go through that open door and take a chance on what I want
The one thing that is normal for me in life no matter how many changes, missteps or difficulties I’ve been through, has always been to be helpful, friendly, kind and courteous to others. Although I’m on a new journey, and ready to spread my wings to new adventures, I know that having spent these many years raising my kids and caring for my mama is the most blessed thing I will ever do for myself and others.
How are you adjusting to this new phase of your life? Has sadness taken over or are you fired up and ready to jump into this stage? I hope you’ll join me as we discover fun, exciting and new things and ways to fill our time. Leave a comment below on what your dreams are now that you have an empty nest.
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